Sauron’s Diary

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by Ryan Jones

Sauron’s Diary From The Third Age

*dates have been omitted due to translation issues

1st Entry

Dear Diary,

I am SOOOO EXCITED!  After much pampering and late night pillow talks I finally got some information out of that nasty little creature Gollum!  Can you believe he actually thought we were friends???  Like I would ever be seen in public with HIM, he has raw fish breath and honestly I don’t think he bathes very often.  Once I got the information I needed I sent him a message that I think it is best that we don’t see each other anymore.  I am SOOOO bad!  Anyways!  The best thing is he told me where my ring is!  It is just the thing I need to complete my outfit (and make myself a body…) anyways apparently some little backwater creature has it.  I sent my Ringwraiths after it and they should be back any moment!  I had yet another talk with them about their outfits but they insist on staying with black.  Between you and me, it kind of makes them look fat, they would look much better in a burgundy or magenta.  ANYWAYS my eye is getting heavy so I am going to rest.  Soon enough I will be corporeal and I will be able to write myself instead of having someone else write it then kill them…

2nd Entry

Dear Diary,

I am depressed.  After all that hubbub about my Ring being with that backwater creature it’s not there!  I bet that Gandalf had something to do with it, he’s always been jealous of my good looks.  I stayed up late talking to Saruman about it on the Palantir and he agrees with my suspicions.  We are soooo going to find it.  He blushed when I told him that he was my best friend but really…he is kind of old looking for me, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him!  Anyways he suggested we start building a massive search party and so I have called all of my ugly friends (orcs are what people call them) who are just dying to earn some cool points, popularity by association I guess is what they’re hoping for.  Like that’s ever going to happen!  Soon they will be ready to scour middle-earth searching for my Ring.  Soon diary soon!

3rd Entry

SOMEONE USED MY RING!!!!  It was this homely looking fellow with hairy feet.  Get this!  He used the one Ring of power…the most powerful thing ever created…to become invisible.  L-A-M-E!  It’s weird. Sometimes when someone uses the Ring I get a clear picture where they are and what they are doing and sometimes I am just too busy to notice it!  Anyways it’s in Rivendell but Elrond knows he can’t keep it from me.  I have got some pictures of him from when he was younger that he DOES NOT WANT Arwen to see.  Soon it will be out of Rivendell and then where will it go?  I mean, I’ve got people everywhere and those who don’t just adore me I have dirt on!  This never would have happened when Melkor was around…I miss him.

4th Entry

Dear Diary,

I just got some exciting mail!  The search party found some homely looking fellows with hairy feet and they are on their way here!  At least that’s what Saruman said, and lets be honest, he is too stupid to lie to me.  Soon the Ring will be mine!  What I can’t decide is who to invite to my re-bodying party!  I want only the biggest names and coolest people.  Unfortunately everyone is so jealous of me that they are all talking about me behind my back!  They’ll change their tune when they see my fab new outfit!

5th Entry

Dear Diary,

Saruman’s tower fell AND my search party failed to search all of the people at Helm’s Deep!  Sad Day!  Sucks for Saruman!  He had an awesome crib.  I blame Gandalf.  I heard through someone who knew someone there that he completely crashed the search party bringing a whole bunch of his Rohan friends.  He always kept the weirdest company.  I’ve heard he smokes pipe weed. Seriously?  How backwater can you get?

6th Entry

Dear Diary,

There was a disturbance at Cirith Ungul earlier today.  The orcs are talking about seeing some children there.  Like kids would ever come to Mordor!  This is an adult area only!  I was struck with a strange idea the other day.  Suddenly I really wanted to plant a garden!  Like, as soon as I got the Ring the first thing I should do is make Mordor a giant garden!  It passed soon enough but strange right?  I feel a bit discombobulated, I think it’s because I am having to do EVERYTHING myself.  You just can’t find good help nowadays.  Whenever I get my body back I am totally taking a vacation to the beach where I am going to work on my tan!  I am picturing it now….me laying on the beach in my sexy new swimsuit sipping a strawberry daiquiri…YUM!  Maybe if Saruman plays his cards right I’ll let him come as well.

7th Entry

Dear Diary,

I found the Ring.  Turns out the little homely fellow lost it to Aragorn!  I didn’t even know he was around anymore!  It was his heir that fell in love with my sense of style and kept the ring for himself!  Him and I could have been friends (even though he cut the ring off my hand to get it) but Aragorn?  First thing he does with the Ring is come to the Black Gate!  What an idiot!  My search party is going to find them sooooo easy and then hello Ring and hello body!

8th Entry

Dear Diary,

Aragorn doesn’t have the Ring!  I do not know what’s going on!  Gandalf has ruined everything!  I feel funny…OMG I AM ON FIRE!!!!


  1. Marley Baird
    7:40 am, 10.16.09

    I laughed so hard I spit water at “Sad Day! Sucks for Saruman! He had an awesome crib.”

    This sounds almost exactly like what Sauron would be writing, were he a 14-year-old girl on MySpace. As serious as Tolkien’s works and LOTR tend to be, it’s pretty wonderful to just have an good ole laugh at Sauron’s expense.

    Although, I must say, Sauron in a bikini? DO NOT WANT.

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