My Ministry Identity Reflection
When I look back at my life, I find it is amazing how my life is changing and how different I am from before. I did not know my life would turn out this way. I never thought that I would learn Bible, become a Christian, and study missions as my major, especially since my parents have ties to Buddhism. But everything can happen with God.
When I was in college, I learned the Bible with my English teachers who were from the USA. At that time, I was not interested in the real meaning of the Bible and I did not believe that God was the meaning of life, because it was a totally different world which conflicted with what I had learned. I was more interested in what would benefit me. But I wondered about the questions that the Bible could not answer, like how I would know which religion’s god is real, and how I would know he existed. But I was not against God, just wanted to know how people choose to believe in him. Most of the time they did not answer me or they gave me examples. I spent a lot of time reading the Bible to improve my English, which was the reason I started learning the Bible and discussing it with the teachers, because I think reasoning and debating is the best way to learn a new language.
Even though I spent more than two years studying the Bible, I still did not understand very much. But I felt that I was loved by my teachers and influenced by their deeds. They cared about me, helped others and loved others. However, notions such as salvation, atonement and heaven in the Christian language seemed unreal for me. I decided to get baptized, because it would make my teachers happy and also I thought it was a good way to live. At that time, the Bible was much more like a moral doctrine. I became a Christian because so many people prayed for me during the two years, finally they may “convince God to accept me as his child”. After being baptized, I still did not have God in my heart, and I did not feel the Holy Spirit come to me, but to some degree, I was different. I told others I was a Christian and I followed some of the Bible. Nevertheless, I was still wondering why my Christian friends would give themselves to God and serve God through their lives. I did not understand why they would serve someone whom they could not prove he existed. But at that time I liked Jesus, and I thought he was a cool guy, and I wanted to become like him. I learned a lot about the Bible, was very curious about it, and wanted to know the Christian world, so I chose to come to the United States to know God more. I wanted to find the answers that can address why my teachers would live their lives for God and why the Christian world is so different from what I had learned in China.
I was very excited that I would have a chance to come here and learn more about God. However, before I came here, I kept asking myself what I was going to do after graduation and what my future will look like, because I cannot use this degree in China. I came to this school with doubts about whether my choice is right to study missions. I was confused why I was doing this. But when I met my Bible teachers again in the USA who taught me in China, I felt like their love is truly different from my non-Christian friends. They really want the best for me. Especially the people in ACU around me answered my doubts. Yes, strong Christians do live for God; they do care about others more than themselves, because of God’s great love. 1 John 4:19 says “we love because he first loved us.” God’s love is unconditional, and he still loves me even though I sin. No one can do this, except God.
It is so different, because I was taught that family was most important. Now the people here are telling me God is most important and with Him all things are possible. (Mark 10:27) Slowly, I am understanding the Christian language and the Christian world. My spiritual formation class opened my eyes to see how these Christians do serve and love God, like mother Teresa. It is so new for me to live a Christian life this way. My house church tells me their life journeys and helps me to understand more. And the books I read touch my heart deeply. My Christian friends help me to practice the spiritual disciplines. I am truly believing more in God.
Everything here is so beautiful. When I see the colorful leaves and blue sky, I thank God for creating them to please us human beings. When I see people pick up trash, I think they are taking care of God’s earth. I am learning how to use the Christian language. Because of the way I see the world differently, everything becomes so beautiful. Generally, God is living in my heart deeper and deeper. I do not know when God came to my heart, and I do not know when I started loving God so much. The way I know God and the way he comes to my life belong to His mystic plan. The Holy Spirit is working on me.
Through these three months, the most significant thing I have learned is the real meaning of love. Before I come here, I thought love just existed between family and good friends. We help the strangers, because we pity them. But when I came here, I could feel love from others, even some whom I do not know. And I know it is not from pity, and it is from God’s love. I still can not tell what God’s great love is, but I feel it deeply. I can feel his love through other people; I can feel his love from beautiful creations; I can feel his love from my heart.
I remember the time I went to Abilene’s Pregnancy Resource Center for their open house, to see what they are doing for women, and to see how they serve and love God. My host family mom wanted me to get a Christian idea about abortion and life. I told her I did not care about abortion, because in China it is very common. But this became my conversion moment. The Center is a very cozy place and the people there are very friendly and explained all my questions. When I saw pictures of the baby growing in the mother’s belly, I felt there is no reason for abortion, because the babies are such beautiful creation. I felt my heart was touched by the babies. I agreed with my host mom we should not have abortions.
A lady there told me her blessing story which was very sad. She said that she knew her baby would die before or after its birth, yet she still kept her baby and had a natural birth. I asked her why she chose to have the birth. I told her if I knew my baby would die before or after birth, I would choose abortion. She said it was a way to love, even though it was sad moment, but they still celebrated his birth. I cannot image this moment, how hard it would be. But it is the love from God. People at the Pregnancy Resource Center are showing their way to love God, love young moms and love babies. I cried for what the lady said, and she cried too. She felt sad, and I felt touched. Their love is beyond what I knew. Their love is much deeper compared with mine. Their love is from God. As we drove back home, I decided to love the babies in this world whom few people love, to love the homeless people and to love everyone who needs God’s love.
I do not know how I can do this. One of my friends told me her gift was to take care of the babies as a foster mother. She is taking care of babies for several months until they find their adoptive parents. It is great she is doing this through her life. She is showing others we can love others with our hearts. Also she is telling the babies that they are loved by lots of people. I am searching my gifts that I can use for contributing to build the body of Christ, but I have not found my gifts yet, I am not sure what I am going to do specifically for my future.
Earlier I kept asking God, what he wanted me to do, I wanted to listen to him and for him to tell me in case my choice would be wrong. I prayed a lot and I talked with him a lot. Suddenly, I heard from him, and He said it was OK to do everything, if I follow him and rely on him first. In my life, I will have so many directions, and God will help to choose the best one. But I think He cares more about our relationship with him and He cares more about our true love, compared with what we are doing. If what I choose is to love him and love others, which is God’s calling.
I am not worried about my future and what I am going to do after graduation. Because I learned that the more I give God control over my life, the more He will use me, and my life will be more fulfilling and meaningful than anything I could plan on my own.
God will take care of my future. As Jesus said in Matthew 6:25-27: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” I believe every word he told us, and try to do every thing he told us.
Now, the most important thing I want to develop is to build a stable relationship with God through my graduate study. For example, I am working on the relationships with my Chinese friends and American friends. They are very different communities, which make me to think how I should act, how should I show God’s love. I also need to practice the disciplines, like prayers, bible study, Sabbath rest and so on. I know God is loves me and He is doing a lot for me. But I think I do not do enough for him. I am bad at the prayers, do not spend time on studying the Bible, and do not have Sabbath day. I feel I am Christians without doing anything for God. Therefore, to build a strong relationship with God, I have to practice all of God’s commands. I want to grow up maturely, because it will be very useful for my future to love others and to tell other about God. Mutuality is a gift from God.
I know that to be here as a missions major is God’s plan for my life. I never felt so peaceful and joyful like now. I love my major. I like hearing the stories that people have from their mission work around the world. I like to hear the stories of people becoming Christians, because it is amazing to see how God changes people’s lives. No one’s story is the same. I am interested in mission work around the world. I want to see all kinds of God’s creation, to see how great he is. I want to follow Jesus, as he said in Matthew 28:18-20, Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” It is not necessary to do mission work around the world to follow him. But I feel like it may be my gift to do it, because I love new things and languages. God is everywhere. I want to go everywhere to see how the Holy Spirit works through different nations and different races.
When I think about I can help all kinds of people, different races, children, the old people, it makes me very happy. I think it is God’s purpose to lead me here as a mission major student. Throughout my program, I will grow in maturity, and prepare and develop my gifts for helping others.
Add a Comment