The Philandering Elder [1]
How do we handle this?” said Gary. He and Dan sat in Dan’s office, talking about Frank one of the elders of their church. Dan was the experienced senior pastor of First Presbyterian Church (PCUSA), Gary the associate pastor and in his first pastoral position out of seminary.
A few days earlier, Luci, a woman in the church, told Gary that Frank had embraced her and kissed her when he visited her house. Frank was married and an elder at First Presbyterian.
First Presbyterian has over four hundred members. The congregation was organized into care groups of twelve to fifteen people. An elder was assigned to each group for pastoral care and discipling the people in the group. Luci was in Frank’s care group.
Luci was in her twenties. She came from chaotic childhood. As a young girl she was sexually abused by one of her mother’s boyfriends. She hinted this to a few people in the church.
As a teenager, Luci ran away from home and wasn’t heard from for five years. Luci returned alone to her hometown 2-3 years ago–pregnant and desperate for help. Nearby First Presbyterian Church quickly became her family, supporting her emotionally and financially through her pregnancy. They celebrated the birth of her healthy baby, assisted during the early months until she could find a job and day care. Luci was maturing as a new Christian. She joined a care group at Gary’s recommendation.
During the first few care group meetings, Luci was drawn to Frank. He was married, mid-forties and had a teenage son. She viewed him as a stable, godly husband and father—the father she’d never known. The whole family–Frank, Barbara, and Frank Jr.–was active in church.
Luci was delighted when Frank suggested that he come to her house to know her better and ascertain how the church could continue supporting her. Luci thought, I can learn a lot from him about my new faith in Christ and how to be a Christian parent. So she looked forward eagerly to his first visit and had even composed a mental list of questions to ask him.
During that first home visit Luci was flattered when Frank paid her compliments about how well she was doing as a new mother and how nice she looked. She wasn’t used to men giving such compliments, and she welcomed the attention. She appreciated his prayer for her at the end of their conversation and happily agreed to another home visit the next week.
This began a series of weekly meetings when Frank would visit Luci in her home to talk about Christian matters and motherhood. Luci sensed that Frank was occasionally a bit flirtatious, but she was flattered by his attention and was also being somewhat flirtatious herself. Although she wondered if the flirting was appropriate, she kept thinking, this is harmless fun, he is helping me, and he is an elder and a fine husband and father.
In one of the home visits, Frank said to Luci, “I’m growing very fond of you.”
She replied lightly, “And I’m fond of you, too.”
He laughed and said, “I think we may be using fond in different ways.'”
She was puzzled by this comment but said nothing. Her puzzlement deepened after he prayed for her and then gave her a big hug. That hug felt like there was something more, she mused.
Luci decided to confide in Joan—one of her new female friends at the church, who was in one of the other care groups. Luci and Joan often sat together in church, participated in social events together as single mothers, and talked on the phone frequently about life and motherhood.
In a conversation with Joan, Luci mentioned some details of Frank’s visits. Joan listened carefully, appearing increasingly concerned. “You’d better be careful,” Joan said. “Frank has a reputation of being a womanizer. He once he made an inappropriate remark to me about how I looked. I told him I didn’t appreciate it. He just grinned. Other women say to watch out for him.”
Although Luci didn’t say anything to Joan, she wondered if she was partly responsible for Frank’s compliments and flirtatious behavior. On the one hand, she was flattered by his attention and longed to have a good Christian role model. On the other hand, she wondered if she’d led him on by her grateful responses. She’d grown aware that in the past she’d used her physical attractiveness to seduce men, and she wondered, “Did I send the wrong signal to Frank?”
At the next visit from Frank, Luci was quieter than usual, wondering if she should share her concerns to Frank. Frank asked, “Is something wrong?” and Luci, unsure of what to say, responded, “Oh, I’m not feeling well.”
Upon hearing that, he stepped over to where she was sitting and said, “What you need is a man to love you.” Then he drew her up by her arms, embraced her, turned her face toward his, and kissed her on the lips. Luci was stunned and, after a few seconds, pushed him away gently. “Please leave,” she said in almost a whisper.
She was afraid that he would hit her or force himself on her, as men had done in the past, but he just smiled and said, “Hmm, I thought you would enjoy that.” He left without praying.
Unnerved, Luci shook for several minutes after he left. After drinking a cup of tea to help calm herself, she called Joan. After hearing what happened, Joan insisted that Luci tell one of the pastors, “If you don’t, I will! Frank has crossed the line and is abusing his authority as an elder of the church.” As they talked, Luci admitted that Frank was coming on to her and it reminded her of earlier abuse she’d experienced as both a child and a preadolescent.
After the conversation with Joan, Luci sat in her kitchen and reflected on what had happened. She had conflicted and confused feelings-gratefulness for Frank’s attention, worry over whether she’d led him on, and fear of what would happen if she told one of the pastors. She wondered, Have I really grown much from my earlier experiences? Unsettling and fearful flashbacks flitted through her mind. Do I invite this kind of attention from men? she wondered. Is it my fault? If I tell anyone, I’ll probably get blamed. Either that or Frank will probably be in trouble. I don’t want him to visit me again, but he’s been helpful in many ways.
After a restless day thinking about it, Luci decided to take Joan’s advice and talk with Gary. As associate pastor, Gary directed Care Groups and had recommended Luci join a group.
On the day of the appointment, Luci arrived at Gary’s church office. Luci felt awkward and wanted to run away. After some casual small talk, Luci asked with some hesitation, “Is what we say here confidential?” I mean . . . I wouldn’t want to get anyone in trouble'” A little alarm went off in Gary’s mind. Quickly, he replied, “Yes, what we talk about will be confidential.”
After another pause Luci related to Gary about Frank’s visits to her home outside of the group meetings. As Luci talked, Gary sensed that something bad had happened between her and Frank, but Luci had difficulty getting it out. Between sentences, she would mutter something like, “It’s probably my fault.” Gary began to fear the worst, that Frank had seduced her.
While Luci talked, Gary recalled a recent conversation with Dan who revealed concern for Frank and Barbara’s marriage. Barbara had come to Dan for counsel, and she revealed concern for family finances and marriage troubles. She was unsure if Frank really loved her and whether the marriage would survive. Barbara had commented, Frank is always paying attention to younger women; he has this flirtatious streak and comes on to women.
As these thoughts flitted through Gary’s mind while Luci talked, he wondered if Frank had had an affair with Luci. When Luci finally said that Frank had hugged and kissed her during his last visit, Gary almost felt relieved.
“Did anything else happen?” he asked, apprehensive of what she would say.
When Luci replied, “No,” Gary breathed again. “Except,” Luci said, “that I asked him to leave, and he said, ‘I thought you might enjoy that.’ He usually prayed for me, but he didn’t that time.” Again she muttered, “It’s probably my fault.”
Luci explained that she’d talked to Joan about what had happened, and Joan insisted that she tell one of the pastors. “I seem to have this effect on men. Do you think it’s my fault?”
“You may have contributed to what happened,” Gary responded, “but Frank was clearly out of bounds.” He noted that she seemed relieved, but he also saw her ambivalence when she quickly added, “I don’t want to get him in trouble or cause problems. This church has been so good to me.”
“Let me talk to Dan about the situation,” said Gary. “After that, I’ll meet with you again.” Luci broke in, “I thought you said this would be kept in confidence!” Her voice was sharp, and an expression of disappointment crossed her face. “Why do you have to talk with Dan about it?”
Gary responded gently but firmly, “I shouldn’t have agreed to confidentiality without knowing what you were going to say. I take responsibility for that, but now I know what happened, I have to talk to the senior pastor. I assure you we will be discreet.” Luci seemed satisfied.
After Luci left, Gary went immediately to Dan, who was still in his office. Gary reported the details of his conversation with Luci, including the part about confidentiality. Dan picked up on the confidentiality part. “I’ve done that myself,” said Dan. “Now when someone asks for confidentiality, I tell them I don’t know. I listen, use discernment in revealing information, and keep them informed of what I do.” Gary appreciated Dan. Although the senior minister, Dan treated Gary with respect and never demeaned him.
“The next thing we’ve got to do is talk with Frank,” Dan said. There was a knock at the office door. It was Frank. Both Dan and Gary were surprised. Frank asked, “Is everything okay? I saw Luci leaving the parking lot and she looked disturbed.”
Dan paused for a long time, glanced at Gary, and then charged ahead, “Frank, we need to talk about how things are going in your care group.” Frank seemed nervous and overly friendly. Bypassing small talk, Gary reported on his conversation with Luci. Both Dan and Gary observed that Frank’s shoulders sagged when Gary mentioned the hugging and kissing incident.
When Gary finished, Frank looked at them with tears in his eyes and said, “I know I shouldn’t have done it, but she’s as much to blame as I am. She was really coming on to me, and… well… you know, things haven’t been that good between Barbara and me… so I guess I was weak. But Luci has to accept some of the responsibility, too. She really came on to me.”
Gary said, his voice calm and reasonable, “Even if she did come on to you, Frank, you’re the leader and need to observe proper boundaries with people.”
They talked about the next steps. Frank indicated that he didn’t want to step down as a care group leader, “But,” he said, “If you think I should, I will.” Gary and Dan both agreed.
Then, Gary stated that Frank should tell his wife about what had happened and commit to work on his marriage. Frank blurted, “No! Barbara must never know about this. It would destroy her. Besides, nothing really bad happened between Luci and me.”
Frank firmly stated he was ordained as elder for life. He did not plan to resign as an elder. “In fact,” he went on, “I’ve been thinking of going to seminary to train for ministry. Both Barbara and Frank Jr. are supportive of it.”
The tears flowed as Frank stated, “I’ve asked the Lord’s forgiveness, and I know He’s forgiven me. What happened with Luci was a warning from God, but I’ve learned my lesson. I won’t do that again. God has forgiven me. Why can’t you?”
How should Dan and Gary respond? Should the board of elders be involved? Should Frank be asked to resign his positions or membership? How can they best minister to Luci? Should Barbara be included and ministered to? What is the appropriate response to Joan and the church body? Where is the line between friendliness and sexual harassment? Should church leaders meet alone with others? What are the appropriate boundaries of confidentiality? What biblical texts should inform a response to these issues? In what ways could they model a healthy theologically informed approach to leadership, accountability and ministry to those involved?
[1] Adapted for use in the ACU Graduate School of Theology from: Facing Messy Stuff in Church: Case Studies for Pastors and Congregations by Kenneth Swetland (Kregel, 2005), 35-45.